Job Hunt, Week Seven

Note: I do not own the ideas of dementors, Kingsley Shacklebolt, or Azkaban. All belong to J.K. Rowling and Warner Brothers. 

Click. Scroll. Click. Scroll. Adjust search. Click and scroll. Quick YouTube break. Click, scroll.

A few more days of this and I just might go insane. I’ve been staring at this screen for days and I still can’t find anything. I know jobs exist out there for someone like me, especially because my schedule is completely flexible and I’m willing to relocate anywhere. I’ve already held a job in Middle Earth and more recently here in Europe, but I think I’d like to see something different for a change… maybe a nice island or a tropical scene.

I realized I was somehow reading a blog post featuring pictures of dogs in sunhats on the beach, but I opened back up to google and started a new search.

Maybe it’s not my search, I thought, maybe there’s a problem with my resume. I opened up the file to check. Job history, detailed yet short and rather impressive. I’ve worked some pretty big names, not that I mean to brag. But, I mean, I even worked as a captain in the prison of Azkaban. If not for that Shacklebolt character, I still would be… but he let all of us go without so much as offering other options for work. Wizards say they’re all about equality, but I believe that’s only amongst themselves. They don’t even care for creatures like us.

I pulled myself away from YouTube realizing I was watching strange videos of Kingsley Shacklebolt that some muggles had put up online.

Anyway, my resume. Job history good, objective concise and effective… maybe I just need to add to my skills list. Leadership skills, effective time management, reacts well under pressure and patronus charms, brooding… can I put brooding on a resume? What about something more positive… maybe “Emotional control of others”? “Removing excitement from situations?” I guess it really depends on what I’m applying for.

I pull up the internet again and search “Best jobs for dementors” most of the lists featured things like “Prison guard” and “henchmen”… everything was so depressing. People have such a wrong idea about dementors. They think we like darkness, sadness, and gloom, but it’s really quite the opposite. We only gain happiness from the happy thoughts of others, so we like places with joy… schools of young children for example. I wish I had taken that position at Hogwarts when it was offered.

Maybe I need to think outside the box… how can I get a job somewhere happy? How can I convince people they need me? I pulled up pages for the happiest place on earth, but the only open positions are for princess actresses. I thought maybe with some good make up I could pull that off, though I don’t like the idea of flouncing around in pink and smiling all day.

Where else is there a lot of excitement? Think, Nick, think! Weddings? Nah, I’d have to wear a bowtie. Broadway? I don’t like musicals much. Movie premiers? Nah….

Well, wait. Crowd control! I can definitely do that! I know from experience that absorbing their happiness really tranquilizes humans. And out in the muggle world I wouldn’t even be seen, so I can work so much more effectively!

I quickly pulled up the page of every major theatre and event center, every concert hall and stage house and start blasting out emails, explaining who I am, what I can do, and why I am so needed.

It will work! I know it will; it has to! 

No mortal man could ever match the life draining power of Nick the Dementor!